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I CAN talk to her. I just don't want to nor do I think I should have to make myself uncomfortable. This subreddit suggests writing notes all the time and I assume those comments are written by adults.

I don't see a problem with it. Since there is such a push to talk to her in person I will consider it. You're right about pointing it out as non-passive aggressive making it more passive aggressive.

If I write her a note I will revise that statement. I think OP is a member of the Bluth family. Some traumatic lessons, learnt at a young age with the assistance of a one armed man, has taught her to always leave a note.

I understand. Communication is important ad so is mutual respect. You being uncomfortable isn't a punishment for something you didn't do, and by worrying about writing a letter and posting here you are giving yourself more stress than a simple, "Hey, we both know what you've been doing, please don't do that when I'm in the room.

It makes me uncomfortable. No matter what you say in a letter, it can never be as effective as talking in person. Also, as someone who has lived with bad roommates in the past and have a few years of college under my belt, you will be in plenty of awkward conversations and it is completely normal to be in awkward conversations.

You shouldn't let the awkwardness bother you. Masturbating is natural. The only safe place to do it in is in one's bed and in your shared specific living situation, when the other person is not there or asleep.

You don't 'need' to do anything, and you especially don't 'need' to go out of your way to control someone else's sexual habits that you accidentally interrupted by waking up.

You don't 'need' to embarrass her further by writing her a whole note describing how you caught her. Sharing a room sucks.

I am sorry you are uncomfortable, but I think you really need to grow up and bite the bullet. You think OP needs to "grow up"?

In the grown up world masturbating in front of someone else without their consent is considered sexual harassment. I'm a college student in a similar shared living situation and I think OP's roommate is completely out of line.

OP is entitled because she doesn't want her roommate masturbating while she's in the room? Why do you feel that this is disrespectful of her?

This is her room and her space as well. People masturbate, girls too. How did you discover her last time? Was she doing it at a time when she would have normally expected you to be home?

Did she seem like she was trying to hide it? In this instance it sounds like she was taking care of herself early in the morning before you had gotten up.

Then you did wake up naturally, without her actions causing you to wake up and she moved her hand away. As such I very much doubt this is a fetish of any kind.

Again I reiterate that this is also her space, her room. Where else do you recommend she go? It's not fair, and it sucks, but it seems fairly immature to me to be this upset about it.

I don't necessarily think a confrontation is necessary, but if you're still uncomfortable enough to think this warrants a conversation, perhaps you should approach this like you had seen her having sex in the room.

Set ground rules for BOTH of you to follow. Do not treat this as something she shouldn't be doing. Masturbating is normal and there's a lot of stigma already surrounding it that she's probably feeling really embarrassed by it, don't make your relationship more awkward by shaming her for it.

Keep it short and simple, use I statements etc. I agree with you because I used to get off all the time when I was in college and shared a room with another person.

To my knowledge they never heard me or anything. I also assume they did it too. I don't understand how you don't understand how wrong this is.

Yes I realize all people masturbate, even I masturbate and I happen to be a girl so ya'know gonna assume other girls do to.

What is wrong with this situation is that she did it in a room with another person in it. Just like people who masturbate in public are wrong, people who masturbate with other people around are just as wrong.

You're right. This is her space, and her room. It's also mine. I'm respectful enough to only masturbate when she isn't around, and she should be to.

I'm not shaming her for masturbating, I'm confronting her for masturbating while I was around. This sounds like a massive misunderstanding, and frankly, a little aggressive on your part.

It seems like you understand that it's a natural thing - you do it too - but are clinging to the pretty irrational, IMHO idea of her being some kind of sexual predator.

If you do confront her, please at least try to be understanding. Sharing such a small, private space is incredibly difficult; communication and keeping an open mind are crucial to getting along.

That doesn't mean you don't deserve to live in a comfortable place, but it does mean you have to at least try. She has time when I'm not home when she is more than welcomed to masturbate.

If for some reason she has some huge need to masturbate where I'm there then there is a private bathroom she is more than welcomed to use.

Masturbating in a public space is very different from masturbating in a shared bedroom space. Both of you have an expectation of privacy.

You mentioned that you always wait for her to be gone until you yourself masturbate. Does she also have that opportunity?

Does she have a really shitty schedule that means she never has the room for herself? Does she even masturbate that often?

Maybe she only really feels the need to do so in the early morning. Maybe she does it all the time and you've never noticed.

Maybe this is literally the second time she's ever masturbated and both times she's been caught by you. What would you want her to do if roles were reversed?

In some case where you did masturbate while she was in the room. This line of questioning is probably really uncomfortable to think about but it might become necessary to address them if you do confront her, verbally or written.

Because when you confront her you will most likely need to compromise on this issue because both of your needs need to be met -- her need to masturbate and your need to not be around when she does.

This may seem unnecessary and harsh but as you probably already know, that's the nature of relationships and sharing space.

That's why I said that I didn't think confrontation was necessary because if it really needs to be talked about then it might devolve into all those questions, and quite honestly this might be a mountain out of a mole hill issue because it is an incredibly awkward situation.

If you still feel the need to confront her, I'd say go with the joke it off route first because she's probably hella embarrassed.

EG: haha that was hella awkward when i accidentally saw you jilling off this morning, right? She has time alone to masturbate.

I'm gone most of the day while she is home most of the day or at least has time off. I have a job and am a full time student.

She is just is a full time student who takes mostly internet classes. I wouldn't masturbate in the room with her there, but if I did and I was caught and it bothered her she'd me more than welcomed to say something.

I don't have the time to read the rest, but I don't understand how you guys are defending someone who was masturbating in the same room as another person without their permission.

Just start informing her every night whether or not she has your permission to fucking touch herself. It's not like she started masturbating while you were studying You were asleep?

You sound like an awful roommate. I agree with the user above. You are way out of line. The room is private, not public. You were literally unconscious.

You were not disturbed. As soon as you were disturbed, she stopped. If that were true, you wouldn't be making a reddit post.

You wouldn't be thinking about writing a letter. You would be comfortable to simply say, "Hey roomie, when I masturbate, I try and do it when you are not in the room.

I would appreciate it if you could extend me the same level of courtesy". But you aren't, because that's not what this is about.

Edit to add: She grossed you out and you want to make her pay. I would disagree too. Fuck that. I'm a guy, and I'd be pissed waking up to my college roommate jacking it right next to me.

You can put off cranking it until there's some alone time. Or they can go to the fucking toilet.

Even if they HAVE to get off right at that moment there is a private bathroom available. I'm pretty sure the two dudes you were replying to both cranked it a lot while their roommates were sleeping in college and now feel the need to defend their actions.

Masturbation police in the house. Do you get a flashlight at night and check under her covers for idle hands? Cause she might use that to masturbate too.

I'm going to write her a letter because I feel like her actions shouldn't cause my to have to sit through an awkward conversation, and feel more uncomfortable.

I'm pretty upset, and don't know where to start with this letter. Probably better to sit in person and talk it through, really.

Otherwise you risk getting a passive-aggressive approach to things. Hopefully in person you can get things hashed out right away instead of going back and forth for a few weeks with notes.

If it's too awkward or difficult to approach by yourself, ask an RA for help. Doesn't even have to be your RA if you feel uncomfortable about someone knowing you both and seeing you often.

This definitely falls in the realm of "roommate issues! Incidentally I was an RA and had to confront one of my residents about having some personal time with his blinds open.

He lived on the first floor and one poor girl got an eye-level view of him pumping away into a pillow on his bed.

That was a pretty awkward conversation. Just talk to her. I don't know why you thought it would be okay, and I don't really care, just stop.

I get it that you need to do it sometimes, so just tell me when you need alone time so I can go do something else, okay?

Does she? I was picturing a shared bedroom situation, seeing as it's a dorm and OP said she woke up and looked over to see it happening. Oh I see!

For some reason I just imagined a straight up two-bedroom space. Guess it's a double with the beds on the opposite ends of the room, with some space in-between.

One would. Honestly it's pretty nasty what she's doing. It's not like I'm home all day either. As awkward as it is, you can ask your RA to talk to her about it as well.

A letter will for sure be a good tool in delivering what you have to say with enough detail. You can also start calling her out while she's doing it, and hope that it stops her.

If she honestly won't stop, you'll need to escalate it, and there are resources around you that can help. RAs or your housing managers can help, even if it means moving you into a different unit.

Another problem with going to my RA is he's always missing because he's going through some personal stuff they don't tell us what. Very rarely do I see him around campus.

Also not trying to be sexist he's a guy and I feel like this would make it really uncomfortable for her. I know I shouldn't be considering her feelings, as she didn't consider mine, but I do respect her so it's hard not to.

You should then find a female RA who can address your problem instead. Talk to your RC or RLM in case that isn't possible, but eventually you do need to prepare to find a solution for this, given your letter doesn't work out.

Good luck! Just remember that if she doesn't respect you by masturbating with you around, you have no reason to hold back in rectifying it all. At the very least it'll be a worthwhile lesson for her for better self-restraint.

I feel like this is a personal issue that should be addressed between me and her. If it gets out of hand as in I catch her after giving her a warning I will talk to the RA.

A personal issue is when your roommate doesn't clean up their dishes and starts to smell. Masturbating while your roommate is in your room is crossing several boundaries and can qualify as sexual harassment.

Contact an RA, this is what they're supposed to help with. At worst, you start a paper trail to moving out. At best, she learns not to jack off when there's someone in the room.

If she was a guy you'd have already gone to your RA at the very least. This is creepy weirdo behaviour regardless of gender.

I'm at work so a little distracted. It was a mistake that we'll make sure not to repeat. Your suitemate would have been embarrassed and that is why she pretended nothing happened.

I'm sure she didn't think you did this on purpose. You have apologised and that is the end of the matter as far as I can see.

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I'm sure if you explained it the same way to them they would understand. If not, they're making an issue out of nothing. I think you are making too much of this.

Roommate caught

I don't understand how you don't understand how wrong this is. Yes I realize all people masturbate, even I masturbate and I happen to be a girl so ya'know gonna assume other girls do to.

What is wrong with this situation is that she did it in a room with another person in it. Just like people who masturbate in public are wrong, people who masturbate with other people around are just as wrong.

You're right. This is her space, and her room. It's also mine. I'm respectful enough to only masturbate when she isn't around, and she should be to. I'm not shaming her for masturbating, I'm confronting her for masturbating while I was around.

This sounds like a massive misunderstanding, and frankly, a little aggressive on your part. It seems like you understand that it's a natural thing - you do it too - but are clinging to the pretty irrational, IMHO idea of her being some kind of sexual predator.

If you do confront her, please at least try to be understanding. Sharing such a small, private space is incredibly difficult; communication and keeping an open mind are crucial to getting along.

That doesn't mean you don't deserve to live in a comfortable place, but it does mean you have to at least try. She has time when I'm not home when she is more than welcomed to masturbate.

If for some reason she has some huge need to masturbate where I'm there then there is a private bathroom she is more than welcomed to use.

Masturbating in a public space is very different from masturbating in a shared bedroom space. Both of you have an expectation of privacy. You mentioned that you always wait for her to be gone until you yourself masturbate.

Does she also have that opportunity? Does she have a really shitty schedule that means she never has the room for herself? Does she even masturbate that often?

Maybe she only really feels the need to do so in the early morning. Maybe she does it all the time and you've never noticed.

Maybe this is literally the second time she's ever masturbated and both times she's been caught by you. What would you want her to do if roles were reversed?

In some case where you did masturbate while she was in the room. This line of questioning is probably really uncomfortable to think about but it might become necessary to address them if you do confront her, verbally or written.

Because when you confront her you will most likely need to compromise on this issue because both of your needs need to be met -- her need to masturbate and your need to not be around when she does.

This may seem unnecessary and harsh but as you probably already know, that's the nature of relationships and sharing space. That's why I said that I didn't think confrontation was necessary because if it really needs to be talked about then it might devolve into all those questions, and quite honestly this might be a mountain out of a mole hill issue because it is an incredibly awkward situation.

If you still feel the need to confront her, I'd say go with the joke it off route first because she's probably hella embarrassed.

EG: haha that was hella awkward when i accidentally saw you jilling off this morning, right? She has time alone to masturbate. I'm gone most of the day while she is home most of the day or at least has time off.

I have a job and am a full time student. She is just is a full time student who takes mostly internet classes. I wouldn't masturbate in the room with her there, but if I did and I was caught and it bothered her she'd me more than welcomed to say something.

I don't have the time to read the rest, but I don't understand how you guys are defending someone who was masturbating in the same room as another person without their permission.

Just start informing her every night whether or not she has your permission to fucking touch herself. It's not like she started masturbating while you were studying You were asleep?

You sound like an awful roommate. I agree with the user above. You are way out of line. The room is private, not public. You were literally unconscious.

You were not disturbed. As soon as you were disturbed, she stopped. If that were true, you wouldn't be making a reddit post. You wouldn't be thinking about writing a letter.

You would be comfortable to simply say, "Hey roomie, when I masturbate, I try and do it when you are not in the room.

I would appreciate it if you could extend me the same level of courtesy". But you aren't, because that's not what this is about.

Edit to add: She grossed you out and you want to make her pay. I would disagree too. Fuck that. I'm a guy, and I'd be pissed waking up to my college roommate jacking it right next to me.

You can put off cranking it until there's some alone time. Or they can go to the fucking toilet. Even if they HAVE to get off right at that moment there is a private bathroom available.

I'm pretty sure the two dudes you were replying to both cranked it a lot while their roommates were sleeping in college and now feel the need to defend their actions.

Masturbation police in the house. Do you get a flashlight at night and check under her covers for idle hands? Cause she might use that to masturbate too.

I'm going to write her a letter because I feel like her actions shouldn't cause my to have to sit through an awkward conversation, and feel more uncomfortable.

I'm pretty upset, and don't know where to start with this letter. Probably better to sit in person and talk it through, really.

Otherwise you risk getting a passive-aggressive approach to things. Hopefully in person you can get things hashed out right away instead of going back and forth for a few weeks with notes.

If it's too awkward or difficult to approach by yourself, ask an RA for help. Doesn't even have to be your RA if you feel uncomfortable about someone knowing you both and seeing you often.

This definitely falls in the realm of "roommate issues! Incidentally I was an RA and had to confront one of my residents about having some personal time with his blinds open.

He lived on the first floor and one poor girl got an eye-level view of him pumping away into a pillow on his bed. That was a pretty awkward conversation.

Just talk to her. I don't know why you thought it would be okay, and I don't really care, just stop. I get it that you need to do it sometimes, so just tell me when you need alone time so I can go do something else, okay?

Does she? I was picturing a shared bedroom situation, seeing as it's a dorm and OP said she woke up and looked over to see it happening.

Oh I see! For some reason I just imagined a straight up two-bedroom space. Guess it's a double with the beds on the opposite ends of the room, with some space in-between.

One would. Honestly it's pretty nasty what she's doing. It's not like I'm home all day either. As awkward as it is, you can ask your RA to talk to her about it as well.

A letter will for sure be a good tool in delivering what you have to say with enough detail. You can also start calling her out while she's doing it, and hope that it stops her.

If she honestly won't stop, you'll need to escalate it, and there are resources around you that can help.

RAs or your housing managers can help, even if it means moving you into a different unit. Another problem with going to my RA is he's always missing because he's going through some personal stuff they don't tell us what.

Very rarely do I see him around campus. Also not trying to be sexist he's a guy and I feel like this would make it really uncomfortable for her.

I know I shouldn't be considering her feelings, as she didn't consider mine, but I do respect her so it's hard not to. You should then find a female RA who can address your problem instead.

Talk to your RC or RLM in case that isn't possible, but eventually you do need to prepare to find a solution for this, given your letter doesn't work out.

Good luck! Just remember that if she doesn't respect you by masturbating with you around, you have no reason to hold back in rectifying it all.

At the very least it'll be a worthwhile lesson for her for better self-restraint. I feel like this is a personal issue that should be addressed between me and her.

If it gets out of hand as in I catch her after giving her a warning I will talk to the RA. A personal issue is when your roommate doesn't clean up their dishes and starts to smell.

Masturbating while your roommate is in your room is crossing several boundaries and can qualify as sexual harassment. Contact an RA, this is what they're supposed to help with.

At worst, you start a paper trail to moving out. At best, she learns not to jack off when there's someone in the room.

If she was a guy you'd have already gone to your RA at the very least. This is creepy weirdo behaviour regardless of gender.

I'm at work so a little distracted. Sorry everyone! He has a fair point, but I would prefer to work this out or attempt to between us before bringing another person into the mix.

Think about it though. What exactly would you do if this was a male? I know women whose first reaction would be to call the police.

You're giving a weirdo with no boundaries a huge amount of leeway. That's true, but I feel like since we're the same gender it is a little different.

Like if a dude caught their dude roommate masturbating in their room they'd probably deal with it themselves opposed to bring in other people.

Thank you for the different perspective though. I said nothing about gender these are conclusions you are jumping to. I also wouldn't be allowed to live in the same room as a male, per the dorm rules.

EDIT: sorry I did misread the comment. In a hypothetical situation where your roomie was a guy and you woke up to him jerking off and made eye contact with him you would absolutely not be silent about it and wait to see what happened.

Gender doesn't matter in this situation though, because whether it's a guy or girl jerking off within a couple feet of your head it's still fucked up.

I'm saying if it was a guy you'd have a very different reaction, though. Not your roommate. You were asleep, she wasn't trying to disrupt you.

Like someone else said, her room is her place too. It's not like she tried to touch you or something. Get over it. Don't mention it to her, it's normal and she did nothing wrong.

There's a tiny chance that she thinks it's not that big of a deal to do it while you're asleep. But this is one of those things that you shouldn't have to clarify; "Don't masturbate while your roommate is in the same room" should go without saying.

If you insist on writing a letter, I'd write something like "Roommate, I'm sorry to have to write this but you've put me in an incredibly awkward position.

It is not okay to masturbate while I am in the room, even if you think I'm asleep. I know this happened last semester as well, and if I have any reason to think this happened again, I'll have to speak to our RA.

Don't feel like you have to respond to this letter, unless I've gravely misunderstood the situation. I'd rather act like this never happened.

I'm sorry you have like downvotes. This was great advice! I ended up talking to her directly and we decided that we wouldn't do that while the other was around.

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Original post more than 48 hours old. The update needs to be about the solution. My suitemates have been really nice to me so far I've been here just 2 weeks , and to him as well.

And we tend to have trouble making friends And I was really glad to have a good relationship with the girls I'd be living with for the rest of the semester.

Pretty much everyone does it anyway, but if the authorities find out somehow, they have the right to kick us off campus. So this is my question: how could I salvage my relationship with my suitemates, and hopefully keep out of trouble with the school?

Please, try not to judge me or my boyfriend. It was a mistake that we'll make sure not to repeat. Your suitemate would have been embarrassed and that is why she pretended nothing happened.

I'm sure she didn't think you did this on purpose. You have apologised and that is the end of the matter as far as I can see.

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